Sweet Desperation

there are times when I look at my life and think..... why did i give up on the things that I really loved doing? one of which was writing in this blog. but things happen for a reason, and I think my time spent away from this blog only increased my self awareness that ...... time moves on.

so like a well worn novel that I have read a million times, I have picked up this blog again to pursue something that I have always found an inner joy.... writing. I feel that now is the time to pursue a hobby and I have always felt a kind of peace when laying my thoughts all on paper. or in this case on a computer screen.

so my life. what has happened between then and now? I can say that 2011 was the most interesting of my life. stu and I got married ..... and went to visit new orleans for our honeymoon. I changed jobs.... and then changed again, and am now a cubicle drone like so many people of the corporate world. but at the end of the day..... im so filled in awe. I love my life, I especially thank god for a wonderful husband who fills me with this deep seeded contentment. and I pursue my passion for cooking, film watch, wine drinking , surronded by the people I care most about.... yup life cant get much better then this.

to be continued.....

well I'm not going to lie, its been a few months since Ive logged in here.... and I'm sure most of the people use to read my blog faithfully.... have stopped. No hard feelings chums, its my bad.

so the next question will be why oh why did I stopped writing?

the answer is simple.... I needed some down time . oh and one of my best friends died. not cool whatsoever. oh and my uncle too.... 2010 sucks balls.

Its been a hard adjustment, learning to live without my friend kara, I still dont know how I will. Currently I live in a state of denial. I pretend shes on vacation.... wrong? oh I know. but this girl needs to function and it seems like the only thing that lets me. My awesome boyfriend also helps...


so now that we have THAT squared away....

hello...... I'm back. Whats new?

SO ... first off may I say to all the bloggers out there ... HAPPY FREAKINNNN NEW YEAR!!!



lets hope all of you are happy, well fed, and angsty feeling 9I feel this leads to exceptional blog writing ) I hope your new years eve was easy on the budget , maybe even on the belly.



My stomach however always seems to self destruct new years... and therefore the very first day of a new year I always feel like it will be my last. but thats life in excess .



I dont know how it happens but somehow theres always a song that sticks with me through the year... and therefore is sort of labeled the "song of the year " for example



2004: Mr. Big- Next to be with you

2005: Journey : don't stop believing

2006: keith urban: stupid boy

2007: we belong together: david degraw

2008: Lips of angel : Hinder

2009: drops of jupiter : train



and I got a feelin... just a hunch ftom what I have been listening to these days, and the amounts of repeats.... I'm thinking the song for 2010 will be John Mayer : Who Says



you want to know the funny thing? I dont really even like john mayer, I mean I dont really know him , granted.... but from what I have read... well frankly he seems like kind of an ass...



but when he sings, I melt like butter... its the weirdest thing lol.

As I think of where I am right now... at this precise moment as I look to the new year with hope, and anticipation....

I realize in some ways ... I'm not happy.

and I think the reason I'm not a 110% happy?

I feel that creatively ... I'm stunted. God gave me a gift, one solid gift. I can write . thats really the only thing that I can honestly say I have ever been great at, is the written word. I live and breathe books, they are just a part of my soul. I could never imagine my life without books, the crisp book smell as I enter a bookshop is pretty much my heroin.

the problem I'm having? I have been trying and failing to attempt to write my book... the book I have been attempting to write for the last 6 years.... is pretty much still there and not written.

Nothing would make me happier then to find a job where I can express my thoughts , opinions and just write about topics that interest me.... if i could do that full time and get paid? well hell I would be the happiest duck in the world.

I think I'm more at a lost on knowing what I want.... but yet not knowing how to start to get where I want to be

I'm sure you guys are looking at this and thinking "this bitch is fucking crazy" I'm sure its something all 22 year olds go through when they try to make their mark in the world

at least thats what I hope....

Well as many bloggers out there are doing around this time., they are writing what they have learned this last year. all the hardships, all the joy in a neat little blog package

I decided to be lame as well and do the same. pretty much a freeze frame on my life for a split second ,recap it , and savor it like a fine wine and write down my hopes and dreams for the new year.

Things that have changed me and my life as I know it in 2009

• I have found my wonderful boyfriend stu, who changes me for the better every single day . before him I was definitely ms. grumples... now not so much.
• I discovered rachel ray, and thus have cooked more this year than any other time in my life.
• because of my large amount of cooking, I have gained at least 10 pounds... urgh it could be the wine too
• I discovered my loveeeee <3>julie and julia the movie changed my life... hatttted the book.
• I discovered taoism, and I owe it all to that silly ole bear winnie the pooh.

basically. best year of my life. I have never laughed, loved, ate , drank, and just been as happy and as healthy as I have felt this last year... I honestly feel that the extra weight gain... was alll worth it.

but its all over folks, 2010 is still going to be year of awesome but with some major differences.....

well the only change will be the loss of my 10 pounds of "happiness" with the help of my dad's trusty new treadmill.

other than that I hope its exactly like this year... exactly.

so today was a important day in the life of kendra


she got contacts finally. I only had glasses since I've been 5 . and now I'm 22 and have finally gotten them...

and its interesting, being able to see without my beautiful, snazzy spectacles.... my eyes have yetto fully accustom themselves to them.

I think I'm most amazed at being able to touch my eyeballs.. no small feat let me tell you.

but there is one... solitary thing, that has me jumoing for joy.


sunglasses! any kind of a sunglasses I could possibly want at my finger tips!!! it sends shivers down my spine let me tell you. lol