Sweet Desperation

well in great outstanding news I finally got my internet up and running

which is fantastic since i have been almost tearing my hair out without internet, sweet, sweet internet how i love youuuuu (insert amazing song right.... here)

in other news my twin sister is lonely...... she's this way because her and her short lived boyfriend joel, broke up... boohoo its for the best since she became so annoyed with him, that he could not stand, without her turning into hugest bitch galore.

so.... shes lonely because never been alone, i know this she knows this. the only thing we dont know is how to make the lonliness better, i know she needs to be by herself right now... she definitely needs to do some soul searching..... but the only thing I could suggest to her was...

get a hobby.. i know but its all i had the moment

unfortunately I'm not equipped to give her any awesome suggestions for this new found "hobby" of hers , whatever that may .

I suggested painting, drawing, watching films, knitting, joining the gym..... and every time i said each of these awesome suggestions I couldnt help thinking.... "this is lame"

the thing is my sister... shes crazy, honest to god crazy, off the rock to the extreme crazy. she needs an activity that can consume her and that does not make her sigh with boredom...

so I'm asking you , in this beautiful world of blogf of ours? do you my bloggers have any awesome suggestions for my crazy twin?


p.s. if it helps her crazy alter egos nickname is lulu...... yeah like I said... crazy.

(old pic of me and caitlin .... <3)

so, I'm kind of stealing a wireless signal in my new apartment to post this post, I know I know its horrible to steal things, even something as small as airwaves but in the grand scheme of things, I feel it is more important to reach people, then worry about a few smalll minutes stealing someones connection, especially if they dont realize I'm using it... so no harm no follow

2nd issue in my defense... the internet installers dont come here till the 27th to instal my modem... THE 27TH !!!! thats like a lightyear away. how can anyone expect me to go without internet that long... i dont think so

in other news my parents bought me and stewy a beautiful table, which is where I'm typing to you now.... with a glass of awesome canadian red wine as stuart dives into the rpg world of breath of fire on his wii.... oh our life.

we went to a home decor store to buy drapes today.... all we came out with was two green throw pillows. we are the worst shoppers ever, and cant decide on anything.

any ideas for themes or neat little crafts? I feel my new place needs a little bit of colour ...... we are thinking green. very zen dont you think?

so I have entered into a state of reflection and contemplation and I hope that eventually when I finally get out of it.... that I will be a better more positive person

one of the big faults that i have , is that I have a hard time forgiving myself for the horrible things I have done to the people I love .Its like i save up all these negative things that I have down, and carry them on my back like a back pack and punish myself every day for what I have done. even when the people that i have done things to, knowing what I have done to them have forgiven me .

why cant I forgive myself? I think its because I expect so much more of myself . I expect the best of me, I want my friends and family and boyfriend to think that of me

and my worst fuckin fear is that my friends will find out the horrible things I have done, and then look down on me for them. I mean the things I have done are not so horrible, I mean most are little things, things that really dont matter

all I know is that I have to get rid of this bagage. I need to unload and soon or fear that i will never be able to be happy, that I will never believe I deserve to be happy...

its all just so much to live up to.

do you ever have that feeling... that feeling that you arent who you use to be anymore, that the way you were isnt what you are... anymore.

I have just been feeling lately, that with some of my friends, I just dont have the same interests anymore. Like I just dont feel like going out and getting trashed every weekend, and meeting guys and being crazy.

I know they mean well, and I know they dont try and intentionally hurt my feelings when they make fun of the way I am now... but it does sting. They go off on tangents making fun of the fact that me and my boyfriend are like an old married couple, how we do crosswords together, or play crib together or just chill out. They make fun of the fact that I dont party as much as I use to anymore,.

I just hurts, I guess no matter how old you become, you want to feel accepted by your friends... you want their approval.

Maybe the real reason is that I sometimes don think some of my friends are happy for me, that I found someone I love and want to spend my life with.... I dunno.

the problem is I love myself... I love where I am right now. I love being "old" with stu, I love just being myself. I love just doing domestic things, I dont want or need to go out dancing and getting drunk to make myself feel good.

I guess what my friends dont know, is the girl that use to be fun and a good time, wasnt a happy girl. Wasnt a girl that was o.k. with herself. That girl wanted to be that girl she is now.

I guess theres no turning back, theres no second glances, theres no apologies.

I guess if they are my true friends they'll stick around, old lady or not. Only time will tell

But like Meredith told Derek on Grey's Anatomy, "I make no apologies for the way I repaired myself"

you tell it sista. lol