Sweet Desperation

there are times when I look at my life and think..... why did i give up on the things that I really loved doing? one of which was writing in this blog. but things happen for a reason, and I think my time spent away from this blog only increased my self awareness that ...... time moves on.

so like a well worn novel that I have read a million times, I have picked up this blog again to pursue something that I have always found an inner joy.... writing. I feel that now is the time to pursue a hobby and I have always felt a kind of peace when laying my thoughts all on paper. or in this case on a computer screen.

so my life. what has happened between then and now? I can say that 2011 was the most interesting of my life. stu and I got married ..... and went to visit new orleans for our honeymoon. I changed jobs.... and then changed again, and am now a cubicle drone like so many people of the corporate world. but at the end of the day..... im so filled in awe. I love my life, I especially thank god for a wonderful husband who fills me with this deep seeded contentment. and I pursue my passion for cooking, film watch, wine drinking , surronded by the people I care most about.... yup life cant get much better then this.

to be continued.....

well I'm not going to lie, its been a few months since Ive logged in here.... and I'm sure most of the people use to read my blog faithfully.... have stopped. No hard feelings chums, its my bad.

so the next question will be why oh why did I stopped writing?

the answer is simple.... I needed some down time . oh and one of my best friends died. not cool whatsoever. oh and my uncle too.... 2010 sucks balls.

Its been a hard adjustment, learning to live without my friend kara, I still dont know how I will. Currently I live in a state of denial. I pretend shes on vacation.... wrong? oh I know. but this girl needs to function and it seems like the only thing that lets me. My awesome boyfriend also helps...


so now that we have THAT squared away....

hello...... I'm back. Whats new?

SO ... first off may I say to all the bloggers out there ... HAPPY FREAKINNNN NEW YEAR!!!



lets hope all of you are happy, well fed, and angsty feeling 9I feel this leads to exceptional blog writing ) I hope your new years eve was easy on the budget , maybe even on the belly.



My stomach however always seems to self destruct new years... and therefore the very first day of a new year I always feel like it will be my last. but thats life in excess .



I dont know how it happens but somehow theres always a song that sticks with me through the year... and therefore is sort of labeled the "song of the year " for example



2004: Mr. Big- Next to be with you

2005: Journey : don't stop believing

2006: keith urban: stupid boy

2007: we belong together: david degraw

2008: Lips of angel : Hinder

2009: drops of jupiter : train



and I got a feelin... just a hunch ftom what I have been listening to these days, and the amounts of repeats.... I'm thinking the song for 2010 will be John Mayer : Who Says



you want to know the funny thing? I dont really even like john mayer, I mean I dont really know him , granted.... but from what I have read... well frankly he seems like kind of an ass...



but when he sings, I melt like butter... its the weirdest thing lol.

As I think of where I am right now... at this precise moment as I look to the new year with hope, and anticipation....

I realize in some ways ... I'm not happy.

and I think the reason I'm not a 110% happy?

I feel that creatively ... I'm stunted. God gave me a gift, one solid gift. I can write . thats really the only thing that I can honestly say I have ever been great at, is the written word. I live and breathe books, they are just a part of my soul. I could never imagine my life without books, the crisp book smell as I enter a bookshop is pretty much my heroin.

the problem I'm having? I have been trying and failing to attempt to write my book... the book I have been attempting to write for the last 6 years.... is pretty much still there and not written.

Nothing would make me happier then to find a job where I can express my thoughts , opinions and just write about topics that interest me.... if i could do that full time and get paid? well hell I would be the happiest duck in the world.

I think I'm more at a lost on knowing what I want.... but yet not knowing how to start to get where I want to be

I'm sure you guys are looking at this and thinking "this bitch is fucking crazy" I'm sure its something all 22 year olds go through when they try to make their mark in the world

at least thats what I hope....

Well as many bloggers out there are doing around this time., they are writing what they have learned this last year. all the hardships, all the joy in a neat little blog package

I decided to be lame as well and do the same. pretty much a freeze frame on my life for a split second ,recap it , and savor it like a fine wine and write down my hopes and dreams for the new year.

Things that have changed me and my life as I know it in 2009

• I have found my wonderful boyfriend stu, who changes me for the better every single day . before him I was definitely ms. grumples... now not so much.
• I discovered rachel ray, and thus have cooked more this year than any other time in my life.
• because of my large amount of cooking, I have gained at least 10 pounds... urgh it could be the wine too
• I discovered my loveeeee <3>julie and julia the movie changed my life... hatttted the book.
• I discovered taoism, and I owe it all to that silly ole bear winnie the pooh.

basically. best year of my life. I have never laughed, loved, ate , drank, and just been as happy and as healthy as I have felt this last year... I honestly feel that the extra weight gain... was alll worth it.

but its all over folks, 2010 is still going to be year of awesome but with some major differences.....

well the only change will be the loss of my 10 pounds of "happiness" with the help of my dad's trusty new treadmill.

other than that I hope its exactly like this year... exactly.

so today was a important day in the life of kendra


she got contacts finally. I only had glasses since I've been 5 . and now I'm 22 and have finally gotten them...

and its interesting, being able to see without my beautiful, snazzy spectacles.... my eyes have yetto fully accustom themselves to them.

I think I'm most amazed at being able to touch my eyeballs.. no small feat let me tell you.

but there is one... solitary thing, that has me jumoing for joy.


sunglasses! any kind of a sunglasses I could possibly want at my finger tips!!! it sends shivers down my spine let me tell you. lol

so heres a new fun fact about the craziness that is kendra

I want all you bloggers out there to know that I am OBSESSED to the extreme... about Rachel Ray.... well not THAT obsessed.. like not stalker obsessed but to the point where if I was ever to meet her a slight girlie squel might escape my early 20 lips.

anywho I have recently become the very proud owner of her cookbook top tens (and I have no doubt in my mind that I will be getting at least another one as a gift for christmas) and have started to cook my way through it.

I have cooked thus far.... sweet and dour pineapple pork(was a little tough, next time i may just use pork strips ), and the 15 minute bean and tomator soup (took wayy longer then a good 15).... but yes so far so good

this by no way means, that this is turning into a rendition of the "Julie and Julia Project" lets face it folks.... been there done that.

but it is something I plan to do, so I'll keep you all posted and what not.

I havent felt this inspired in a longggg time.... it feels good to be motivated again.

well its friday
and its finally started to snow here in good ole canada!!! ( yes folks, we arent always covered in a soft layer of the white stuff)

anywhoo fridays make me exstatic... you want to know why?

I'll tell you why.... pj pants.. wine.... movies . can we say hibernation time?

I'm so excited for it to be cold, I'm so excited for this weekend and having absolutely NOTHING planned. just to clean, sleep and be lazy.

its been a long time coming, summer pretty much exhausted me to the fullest, enough to the point where i'm too tired to even paint, cook or write in my blog anymore.... or as much as I use to anyways . another reason could be that im exhausted at my drone of a job, selling autoparts to the masses worrying from one moment to the next on whether or not I may be let go because of a eerily warm winter. maybe both?

I'm hoping that this weekend will help revamp my energy to the point where I can start doing the stuff for ME again....

I currently am off to a GREAT start, glass of merlot sitting next to me, some ufc throwdown on the tele (btw who names their kid bubbabalou? like really?) and am about to watch a christmas movie with the love of life.

sounds like something out of a twisted fairy tale. <3

so last night I had a dream....

it was the first great dream I have had in a long time, its the first dream I have had since moving in with stu that wasnt a nightmare..... and it was about my ex best friend lisa

I dreamnt that she lived right next to me, and that we were talking about everything that has happened since we ended our friendship, which I couldnt even tell you why she decided to hate me, and leave the friendship its been 4 years... and the reason has been forgotten how silly is that?

truth is, I miss her... alor, everyday its a little piece of my heart isntthere because she isnt there. we use to be the best of friends, she would tell me everything and I her...

then I left on katimavik , and I think she felt I was abandoning her. which wasnt the case. i need to leave, to find myself, to find whatever it was that I needed to find

and I did. katimavik taught me so much about life, love, friendship, comprimise. because of katimavik I found caitlin(another best friend)... I just really wish I hadnt of lost lisa.

I know I should of written , phoned more...... the phone works both ways, I know she thinks I wasnt there for her, and its true I wasnt.

I just miss her..... I miss my friend..... its been 4 years.... and it still hurts. how d you get over that? I dont think you do, I think you just learn to live with the pain, to the point where it numbs enough to be able to function.

I emailed her tonight.... I told her I missed her, I decided to reopen the lines of communication, I'm going to make a effort to bring her back into my life. I just hope shes as open....

I know theres still something to save.. I know there is .

so its been awhile, life apparently is crazzzzy in november....

I dont know if it should because its NOvember... haha get it lol?... I'm such a nerd... kay.

anyways i decided something really important the last week or so being blogless and super crazy busy.... I think its pretty climatic in my life

I am going to apply to university for fall term.

this very thought evokes all kinds of worries and doubts, but I know that if I never do it, if I dont at least try to attain a degree ... I will feel like a failure to the tenth degree.

do I think ill get in? I dont know... I'm a mature student so different thinks apply.... but thats only half of it

will I get accepted for a line of credit?..... yet again a big I dont know, and thats the big one, since if I cant get the funding, there is no way that I could ever live, and go to school without it.... ever.

I live with my boyfriend, theres rent to pay, food to be eaten for survival plus tuition, books, etc etc.

but I wont know, If I dont try... and its important to me, I know it is....... I just hope I can get it....

well its Remmberance day here in Canada lest we forget the good soldiers and veterans that died for our freedom. they are in my throughts and prayers as they fight for the one thing that makes our country so unbelievable.... freedom

like the amazing movie 300 puts it, " that freedom isnt free at all, but paid with the highest cost... the cost of blood" these men fight and die to give us the things we hold the most dear and near to our hearts

for freedom of speech, and expression, the freedom to marry whoever we want, the freedom to be what we want, the freedom to live how we want. Is all paid with the cost of lives. I thank God everyday that we beat hitler, I dont even want to think what kind of a world we would have lived in if he was allowed to remain as "ruler"

I know I definitely wouldnt be living.

so from the bottom of my heart... thank you military people for all you do.

in other news, work sucks... I'm scared they are going to lay me off. It needs to get super cold here super fast if I have any hope to retain my job.

and my apartment is infested with fruit flies... thats right , fruit flies

I have beein trying to lure them into a cup of balsamic vinegar to kill there asses with not much luck. I dont have any rotting food or fruit around to snack on so who knows where they are getting their vitamins....

I just want them gone... bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I think at this stage in my life... I need to take a slight break from the blog....

not a long one, week t the most, just i need sometime to work out the anxiety's in my head

the keep going round and round and round.....

I think it might be best just to wait for them to stop
or slow down some

well in great outstanding news I finally got my internet up and running

which is fantastic since i have been almost tearing my hair out without internet, sweet, sweet internet how i love youuuuu (insert amazing song right.... here)

in other news my twin sister is lonely...... she's this way because her and her short lived boyfriend joel, broke up... boohoo its for the best since she became so annoyed with him, that he could not stand, without her turning into hugest bitch galore.

so.... shes lonely because never been alone, i know this she knows this. the only thing we dont know is how to make the lonliness better, i know she needs to be by herself right now... she definitely needs to do some soul searching..... but the only thing I could suggest to her was...

get a hobby.. i know but its all i had the moment

unfortunately I'm not equipped to give her any awesome suggestions for this new found "hobby" of hers , whatever that may .

I suggested painting, drawing, watching films, knitting, joining the gym..... and every time i said each of these awesome suggestions I couldnt help thinking.... "this is lame"

the thing is my sister... shes crazy, honest to god crazy, off the rock to the extreme crazy. she needs an activity that can consume her and that does not make her sigh with boredom...

so I'm asking you , in this beautiful world of blogf of ours? do you my bloggers have any awesome suggestions for my crazy twin?


p.s. if it helps her crazy alter egos nickname is lulu...... yeah like I said... crazy.

(old pic of me and caitlin .... <3)

so, I'm kind of stealing a wireless signal in my new apartment to post this post, I know I know its horrible to steal things, even something as small as airwaves but in the grand scheme of things, I feel it is more important to reach people, then worry about a few smalll minutes stealing someones connection, especially if they dont realize I'm using it... so no harm no follow

2nd issue in my defense... the internet installers dont come here till the 27th to instal my modem... THE 27TH !!!! thats like a lightyear away. how can anyone expect me to go without internet that long... i dont think so

in other news my parents bought me and stewy a beautiful table, which is where I'm typing to you now.... with a glass of awesome canadian red wine as stuart dives into the rpg world of breath of fire on his wii.... oh our life.

we went to a home decor store to buy drapes today.... all we came out with was two green throw pillows. we are the worst shoppers ever, and cant decide on anything.

any ideas for themes or neat little crafts? I feel my new place needs a little bit of colour ...... we are thinking green. very zen dont you think?

so I have entered into a state of reflection and contemplation and I hope that eventually when I finally get out of it.... that I will be a better more positive person

one of the big faults that i have , is that I have a hard time forgiving myself for the horrible things I have done to the people I love .Its like i save up all these negative things that I have down, and carry them on my back like a back pack and punish myself every day for what I have done. even when the people that i have done things to, knowing what I have done to them have forgiven me .

why cant I forgive myself? I think its because I expect so much more of myself . I expect the best of me, I want my friends and family and boyfriend to think that of me

and my worst fuckin fear is that my friends will find out the horrible things I have done, and then look down on me for them. I mean the things I have done are not so horrible, I mean most are little things, things that really dont matter

all I know is that I have to get rid of this bagage. I need to unload and soon or fear that i will never be able to be happy, that I will never believe I deserve to be happy...

its all just so much to live up to.

do you ever have that feeling... that feeling that you arent who you use to be anymore, that the way you were isnt what you are... anymore.

I have just been feeling lately, that with some of my friends, I just dont have the same interests anymore. Like I just dont feel like going out and getting trashed every weekend, and meeting guys and being crazy.

I know they mean well, and I know they dont try and intentionally hurt my feelings when they make fun of the way I am now... but it does sting. They go off on tangents making fun of the fact that me and my boyfriend are like an old married couple, how we do crosswords together, or play crib together or just chill out. They make fun of the fact that I dont party as much as I use to anymore,.

I just hurts, I guess no matter how old you become, you want to feel accepted by your friends... you want their approval.

Maybe the real reason is that I sometimes don think some of my friends are happy for me, that I found someone I love and want to spend my life with.... I dunno.

the problem is I love myself... I love where I am right now. I love being "old" with stu, I love just being myself. I love just doing domestic things, I dont want or need to go out dancing and getting drunk to make myself feel good.

I guess what my friends dont know, is the girl that use to be fun and a good time, wasnt a happy girl. Wasnt a girl that was o.k. with herself. That girl wanted to be that girl she is now.

I guess theres no turning back, theres no second glances, theres no apologies.

I guess if they are my true friends they'll stick around, old lady or not. Only time will tell

But like Meredith told Derek on Grey's Anatomy, "I make no apologies for the way I repaired myself"

you tell it sista. lol