Sweet Desperation

so last night I had a dream....

it was the first great dream I have had in a long time, its the first dream I have had since moving in with stu that wasnt a nightmare..... and it was about my ex best friend lisa

I dreamnt that she lived right next to me, and that we were talking about everything that has happened since we ended our friendship, which I couldnt even tell you why she decided to hate me, and leave the friendship its been 4 years... and the reason has been forgotten how silly is that?

truth is, I miss her... alor, everyday its a little piece of my heart isntthere because she isnt there. we use to be the best of friends, she would tell me everything and I her...

then I left on katimavik , and I think she felt I was abandoning her. which wasnt the case. i need to leave, to find myself, to find whatever it was that I needed to find

and I did. katimavik taught me so much about life, love, friendship, comprimise. because of katimavik I found caitlin(another best friend)... I just really wish I hadnt of lost lisa.

I know I should of written , phoned more...... the phone works both ways, I know she thinks I wasnt there for her, and its true I wasnt.

I just miss her..... I miss my friend..... its been 4 years.... and it still hurts. how d you get over that? I dont think you do, I think you just learn to live with the pain, to the point where it numbs enough to be able to function.

I emailed her tonight.... I told her I missed her, I decided to reopen the lines of communication, I'm going to make a effort to bring her back into my life. I just hope shes as open....

I know theres still something to save.. I know there is .

so its been awhile, life apparently is crazzzzy in november....

I dont know if it should because its NOvember... haha get it lol?... I'm such a nerd... kay.

anyways i decided something really important the last week or so being blogless and super crazy busy.... I think its pretty climatic in my life

I am going to apply to university for fall term.

this very thought evokes all kinds of worries and doubts, but I know that if I never do it, if I dont at least try to attain a degree ... I will feel like a failure to the tenth degree.

do I think ill get in? I dont know... I'm a mature student so different thinks apply.... but thats only half of it

will I get accepted for a line of credit?..... yet again a big I dont know, and thats the big one, since if I cant get the funding, there is no way that I could ever live, and go to school without it.... ever.

I live with my boyfriend, theres rent to pay, food to be eaten for survival plus tuition, books, etc etc.

but I wont know, If I dont try... and its important to me, I know it is....... I just hope I can get it....

well its Remmberance day here in Canada lest we forget the good soldiers and veterans that died for our freedom. they are in my throughts and prayers as they fight for the one thing that makes our country so unbelievable.... freedom

like the amazing movie 300 puts it, " that freedom isnt free at all, but paid with the highest cost... the cost of blood" these men fight and die to give us the things we hold the most dear and near to our hearts

for freedom of speech, and expression, the freedom to marry whoever we want, the freedom to be what we want, the freedom to live how we want. Is all paid with the cost of lives. I thank God everyday that we beat hitler, I dont even want to think what kind of a world we would have lived in if he was allowed to remain as "ruler"

I know I definitely wouldnt be living.

so from the bottom of my heart... thank you military people for all you do.

in other news, work sucks... I'm scared they are going to lay me off. It needs to get super cold here super fast if I have any hope to retain my job.

and my apartment is infested with fruit flies... thats right , fruit flies

I have beein trying to lure them into a cup of balsamic vinegar to kill there asses with not much luck. I dont have any rotting food or fruit around to snack on so who knows where they are getting their vitamins....

I just want them gone... bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I think at this stage in my life... I need to take a slight break from the blog....

not a long one, week t the most, just i need sometime to work out the anxiety's in my head

the keep going round and round and round.....

I think it might be best just to wait for them to stop
or slow down some