Sweet Desperation

As I think of where I am right now... at this precise moment as I look to the new year with hope, and anticipation....

I realize in some ways ... I'm not happy.

and I think the reason I'm not a 110% happy?

I feel that creatively ... I'm stunted. God gave me a gift, one solid gift. I can write . thats really the only thing that I can honestly say I have ever been great at, is the written word. I live and breathe books, they are just a part of my soul. I could never imagine my life without books, the crisp book smell as I enter a bookshop is pretty much my heroin.

the problem I'm having? I have been trying and failing to attempt to write my book... the book I have been attempting to write for the last 6 years.... is pretty much still there and not written.

Nothing would make me happier then to find a job where I can express my thoughts , opinions and just write about topics that interest me.... if i could do that full time and get paid? well hell I would be the happiest duck in the world.

I think I'm more at a lost on knowing what I want.... but yet not knowing how to start to get where I want to be

I'm sure you guys are looking at this and thinking "this bitch is fucking crazy" I'm sure its something all 22 year olds go through when they try to make their mark in the world

at least thats what I hope....

Well as many bloggers out there are doing around this time., they are writing what they have learned this last year. all the hardships, all the joy in a neat little blog package

I decided to be lame as well and do the same. pretty much a freeze frame on my life for a split second ,recap it , and savor it like a fine wine and write down my hopes and dreams for the new year.

Things that have changed me and my life as I know it in 2009

• I have found my wonderful boyfriend stu, who changes me for the better every single day . before him I was definitely ms. grumples... now not so much.
• I discovered rachel ray, and thus have cooked more this year than any other time in my life.
• because of my large amount of cooking, I have gained at least 10 pounds... urgh it could be the wine too
• I discovered my loveeeee <3>julie and julia the movie changed my life... hatttted the book.
• I discovered taoism, and I owe it all to that silly ole bear winnie the pooh.

basically. best year of my life. I have never laughed, loved, ate , drank, and just been as happy and as healthy as I have felt this last year... I honestly feel that the extra weight gain... was alll worth it.

but its all over folks, 2010 is still going to be year of awesome but with some major differences.....

well the only change will be the loss of my 10 pounds of "happiness" with the help of my dad's trusty new treadmill.

other than that I hope its exactly like this year... exactly.

so today was a important day in the life of kendra


she got contacts finally. I only had glasses since I've been 5 . and now I'm 22 and have finally gotten them...

and its interesting, being able to see without my beautiful, snazzy spectacles.... my eyes have yetto fully accustom themselves to them.

I think I'm most amazed at being able to touch my eyeballs.. no small feat let me tell you.

but there is one... solitary thing, that has me jumoing for joy.


sunglasses! any kind of a sunglasses I could possibly want at my finger tips!!! it sends shivers down my spine let me tell you. lol

so heres a new fun fact about the craziness that is kendra

I want all you bloggers out there to know that I am OBSESSED to the extreme... about Rachel Ray.... well not THAT obsessed.. like not stalker obsessed but to the point where if I was ever to meet her a slight girlie squel might escape my early 20 lips.

anywho I have recently become the very proud owner of her cookbook top tens (and I have no doubt in my mind that I will be getting at least another one as a gift for christmas) and have started to cook my way through it.

I have cooked thus far.... sweet and dour pineapple pork(was a little tough, next time i may just use pork strips ), and the 15 minute bean and tomator soup (took wayy longer then a good 15).... but yes so far so good

this by no way means, that this is turning into a rendition of the "Julie and Julia Project" lets face it folks.... been there done that.

but it is something I plan to do, so I'll keep you all posted and what not.

I havent felt this inspired in a longggg time.... it feels good to be motivated again.

well its friday
and its finally started to snow here in good ole canada!!! ( yes folks, we arent always covered in a soft layer of the white stuff)

anywhoo fridays make me exstatic... you want to know why?

I'll tell you why.... pj pants.. wine.... movies . can we say hibernation time?

I'm so excited for it to be cold, I'm so excited for this weekend and having absolutely NOTHING planned. just to clean, sleep and be lazy.

its been a long time coming, summer pretty much exhausted me to the fullest, enough to the point where i'm too tired to even paint, cook or write in my blog anymore.... or as much as I use to anyways . another reason could be that im exhausted at my drone of a job, selling autoparts to the masses worrying from one moment to the next on whether or not I may be let go because of a eerily warm winter. maybe both?

I'm hoping that this weekend will help revamp my energy to the point where I can start doing the stuff for ME again....

I currently am off to a GREAT start, glass of merlot sitting next to me, some ufc throwdown on the tele (btw who names their kid bubbabalou? like really?) and am about to watch a christmas movie with the love of life.

sounds like something out of a twisted fairy tale. <3

so last night I had a dream....

it was the first great dream I have had in a long time, its the first dream I have had since moving in with stu that wasnt a nightmare..... and it was about my ex best friend lisa

I dreamnt that she lived right next to me, and that we were talking about everything that has happened since we ended our friendship, which I couldnt even tell you why she decided to hate me, and leave the friendship its been 4 years... and the reason has been forgotten how silly is that?

truth is, I miss her... alor, everyday its a little piece of my heart isntthere because she isnt there. we use to be the best of friends, she would tell me everything and I her...

then I left on katimavik , and I think she felt I was abandoning her. which wasnt the case. i need to leave, to find myself, to find whatever it was that I needed to find

and I did. katimavik taught me so much about life, love, friendship, comprimise. because of katimavik I found caitlin(another best friend)... I just really wish I hadnt of lost lisa.

I know I should of written , phoned more...... the phone works both ways, I know she thinks I wasnt there for her, and its true I wasnt.

I just miss her..... I miss my friend..... its been 4 years.... and it still hurts. how d you get over that? I dont think you do, I think you just learn to live with the pain, to the point where it numbs enough to be able to function.

I emailed her tonight.... I told her I missed her, I decided to reopen the lines of communication, I'm going to make a effort to bring her back into my life. I just hope shes as open....

I know theres still something to save.. I know there is .

so its been awhile, life apparently is crazzzzy in november....

I dont know if it should because its NOvember... haha get it lol?... I'm such a nerd... kay.

anyways i decided something really important the last week or so being blogless and super crazy busy.... I think its pretty climatic in my life

I am going to apply to university for fall term.

this very thought evokes all kinds of worries and doubts, but I know that if I never do it, if I dont at least try to attain a degree ... I will feel like a failure to the tenth degree.

do I think ill get in? I dont know... I'm a mature student so different thinks apply.... but thats only half of it

will I get accepted for a line of credit?..... yet again a big I dont know, and thats the big one, since if I cant get the funding, there is no way that I could ever live, and go to school without it.... ever.

I live with my boyfriend, theres rent to pay, food to be eaten for survival plus tuition, books, etc etc.

but I wont know, If I dont try... and its important to me, I know it is....... I just hope I can get it....

well its Remmberance day here in Canada lest we forget the good soldiers and veterans that died for our freedom. they are in my throughts and prayers as they fight for the one thing that makes our country so unbelievable.... freedom

like the amazing movie 300 puts it, " that freedom isnt free at all, but paid with the highest cost... the cost of blood" these men fight and die to give us the things we hold the most dear and near to our hearts

for freedom of speech, and expression, the freedom to marry whoever we want, the freedom to be what we want, the freedom to live how we want. Is all paid with the cost of lives. I thank God everyday that we beat hitler, I dont even want to think what kind of a world we would have lived in if he was allowed to remain as "ruler"

I know I definitely wouldnt be living.

so from the bottom of my heart... thank you military people for all you do.

in other news, work sucks... I'm scared they are going to lay me off. It needs to get super cold here super fast if I have any hope to retain my job.

and my apartment is infested with fruit flies... thats right , fruit flies

I have beein trying to lure them into a cup of balsamic vinegar to kill there asses with not much luck. I dont have any rotting food or fruit around to snack on so who knows where they are getting their vitamins....

I just want them gone... bahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

I think at this stage in my life... I need to take a slight break from the blog....

not a long one, week t the most, just i need sometime to work out the anxiety's in my head

the keep going round and round and round.....

I think it might be best just to wait for them to stop
or slow down some

well in great outstanding news I finally got my internet up and running

which is fantastic since i have been almost tearing my hair out without internet, sweet, sweet internet how i love youuuuu (insert amazing song right.... here)

in other news my twin sister is lonely...... she's this way because her and her short lived boyfriend joel, broke up... boohoo its for the best since she became so annoyed with him, that he could not stand, without her turning into hugest bitch galore.

so.... shes lonely because never been alone, i know this she knows this. the only thing we dont know is how to make the lonliness better, i know she needs to be by herself right now... she definitely needs to do some soul searching..... but the only thing I could suggest to her was...

get a hobby.. i know but its all i had the moment

unfortunately I'm not equipped to give her any awesome suggestions for this new found "hobby" of hers , whatever that may .

I suggested painting, drawing, watching films, knitting, joining the gym..... and every time i said each of these awesome suggestions I couldnt help thinking.... "this is lame"

the thing is my sister... shes crazy, honest to god crazy, off the rock to the extreme crazy. she needs an activity that can consume her and that does not make her sigh with boredom...

so I'm asking you , in this beautiful world of blogf of ours? do you my bloggers have any awesome suggestions for my crazy twin?


p.s. if it helps her crazy alter egos nickname is lulu...... yeah like I said... crazy.

(old pic of me and caitlin .... <3)

so, I'm kind of stealing a wireless signal in my new apartment to post this post, I know I know its horrible to steal things, even something as small as airwaves but in the grand scheme of things, I feel it is more important to reach people, then worry about a few smalll minutes stealing someones connection, especially if they dont realize I'm using it... so no harm no follow

2nd issue in my defense... the internet installers dont come here till the 27th to instal my modem... THE 27TH !!!! thats like a lightyear away. how can anyone expect me to go without internet that long... i dont think so

in other news my parents bought me and stewy a beautiful table, which is where I'm typing to you now.... with a glass of awesome canadian red wine as stuart dives into the rpg world of breath of fire on his wii.... oh our life.

we went to a home decor store to buy drapes today.... all we came out with was two green throw pillows. we are the worst shoppers ever, and cant decide on anything.

any ideas for themes or neat little crafts? I feel my new place needs a little bit of colour ...... we are thinking green. very zen dont you think?

so I have entered into a state of reflection and contemplation and I hope that eventually when I finally get out of it.... that I will be a better more positive person

one of the big faults that i have , is that I have a hard time forgiving myself for the horrible things I have done to the people I love .Its like i save up all these negative things that I have down, and carry them on my back like a back pack and punish myself every day for what I have done. even when the people that i have done things to, knowing what I have done to them have forgiven me .

why cant I forgive myself? I think its because I expect so much more of myself . I expect the best of me, I want my friends and family and boyfriend to think that of me

and my worst fuckin fear is that my friends will find out the horrible things I have done, and then look down on me for them. I mean the things I have done are not so horrible, I mean most are little things, things that really dont matter

all I know is that I have to get rid of this bagage. I need to unload and soon or fear that i will never be able to be happy, that I will never believe I deserve to be happy...

its all just so much to live up to.

do you ever have that feeling... that feeling that you arent who you use to be anymore, that the way you were isnt what you are... anymore.

I have just been feeling lately, that with some of my friends, I just dont have the same interests anymore. Like I just dont feel like going out and getting trashed every weekend, and meeting guys and being crazy.

I know they mean well, and I know they dont try and intentionally hurt my feelings when they make fun of the way I am now... but it does sting. They go off on tangents making fun of the fact that me and my boyfriend are like an old married couple, how we do crosswords together, or play crib together or just chill out. They make fun of the fact that I dont party as much as I use to anymore,.

I just hurts, I guess no matter how old you become, you want to feel accepted by your friends... you want their approval.

Maybe the real reason is that I sometimes don think some of my friends are happy for me, that I found someone I love and want to spend my life with.... I dunno.

the problem is I love myself... I love where I am right now. I love being "old" with stu, I love just being myself. I love just doing domestic things, I dont want or need to go out dancing and getting drunk to make myself feel good.

I guess what my friends dont know, is the girl that use to be fun and a good time, wasnt a happy girl. Wasnt a girl that was o.k. with herself. That girl wanted to be that girl she is now.

I guess theres no turning back, theres no second glances, theres no apologies.

I guess if they are my true friends they'll stick around, old lady or not. Only time will tell

But like Meredith told Derek on Grey's Anatomy, "I make no apologies for the way I repaired myself"

you tell it sista. lol

so my boyfriend and i did it.... we applied for our first apartment together. it has been a nerve racking week, looking at all these places,,, but we finally put in an application... we have put ourselves out there.....

o.k. so we most likely will be rejected... since apparently the rental agency has rejected the last 6 applicants. .... but hey who knows right?

though we are so unprepared for it that if we do get accepted we are going to be severely broke for the next little while. until we begin a normal rent routine , since if we get pocession for october 1st we will have to pay first months rent there , and at the place we are currently living in too..... not to mention everything else... but we can do it. It will just take a big bite out of my savings and what not. but together... its managable.

I'm so nervous, I would really like this place its totally redone, new appliances (the fridge is just gorgeous), new carpet, and newly painted walls (the girl who lived in it before went crazy and wrote all over the walls and floor in black permanent marker) and it as a balcony so we could do crazy awesome bbqing. not too mention its about 6 blocks away from my parents ... another even bigger bonus. so will see.


fingers crossed folks

long time no talk!!!

So last night I went to see my beloved keith urban play, for those of you that dont listen to country music, he is a very hunky austrailian man who plays the guitar like a rebel and sings like an dove.

this is besides the point.... lets get back on topic

So me and my friend chelsea, go there and head up to our seats (we are section 319.. so we areeeee wayyyyyyyyyyyyyy up there) and sit down. just before the the opening act starts up, six 15 year old girls come up and sit rightttt in front of of us. okay whatever, good times for them. they were happy to be there.

So the opening act starts up, and all of a sudden what do these annoying adolescent brats do? they stand up and start dancing, completely blocking everyone behind them from seeing anything of the band or concert . Everyone starts yelling at them to sit down, they didnt.

me and my friend tried to be the smart ones and talk to them.... so we are like "hey look , there is an elderly lady sitting right next to us she is unable to stand and would like to see the show, could you just please sit down and let the other people see"..... to this we got the reply of " I can do whatever the fuck I want, I paid for this seat, its a fuckin concert your allowed to dance blah blah blah"

well that did it, I almost lost it on thisa young girl, but being the mature 22 year old that I am with a few (if not many) years of experience more then her, my friend and I decided to take the higher road and leave, because I wasnt going to sit there and watch 15 year old girls think they can dance, no matter how I paid for this ticket.

so us being livid, we decided to go to the ticket booth and see if we could exchange or do anything about this , and low and behold, there was! the guy upgraded our tickets for us for 10 bucks and now we were in section 118!!!! riggggggght in front of stage just in time to see the gorgeous keith take the stage.

karama happens.

have you ever felt like your coasting?..... that your waiting for things to happen, to move forward in a different way.

thats the way I feel right now, thats the way I think me and my boyfriend feel.

we are in this waiting stage , waiting to see what life will bring. we are planning to move out and get our own place in spring, until then we are stuck in an apartment with 3 people, among this are job offers out of provinces, promtions etc that basically have our heads spinning in every direction

when it will stop , no one knows .

but my nature is normally an impatient one, aso Im about to tear my hair out. I just cant wait for these things to happen, I find goals and I strive for them , like no body's business.

but this I cant get to any faster.... i have to sit it out through winter.... and wait for spring.

on a sideeee note. I'm kind of excited for winter... I'm in desperate need of a vacation from summer vacation

in total :
3 weddings
1 baby shower
1 wedding shower
2 family reunions
5 birthdays...

I've had about enough social gatherings... *sigh* bring on the snow and minus 50 Celius weather.

so me and my man have been stressing about money today.

it seems like the bills keep pilling up and there isnt enough money to go around

one of our goals we want to accomplish by next summer, is thatwe want to move out in our own place, but first the visa needs to be paid off, his car needs to paid off pretty much a billion things need to be paid off

it makes you want to suffocate just a little

worst thing is if we are willing to move awayt north and work there we could easily make enough money to buy a house, pay off our debt and live well.... but i cant imagine leaving my family. is that wrong?

is it wrong to choose happiness over security? i dont think so, I dont feel its even a question. i would rather have 2 dollars to my name and be happy then have a 100,00 grand and be alone in the north, cold with no friends.

maybe im just being selfish.... maybe im not? i dont know.

my thoughts arent my own right now.

well..... its been a few days since my last entry,

and in all honesty I dont think it was a great entry to tell you the truth . no thought was really put into it, but it told a little bit about my life.... and sometimes thats just as good

well since none of you out there in the blogger world know this... tomorrow is my twin and I's 22nd birthday.... yaya on all counts .

it weird sharing your birthday with something , but twindom is more then just birthdays. ... you share EVERYTHING. right down to clothes and make up.

its not something you plan to happen, you dont go into the mall and buy stuff for yourself thinking that you abd your twin will share this... it just happens.

in each set of twins theres a submissibe twin (gives into everything) and then theres the dominant twin (gets her way all the time)

for the longest time everyone thought that because I was the more outgoing twin, that I was the dominant one... NOT TRUE. she is totally the dominant one . anything she asks for I automatically give her. and its not even that I WANT to give her everything, its like a compulsion, like I can not not give her something, before I even think im already reaching for whatever she wants. its ridiculously hard to say no to her. though not impossible.

its crazy how central she is to my life, its crazy how attached she is to my very soul. I have never been alone, since I have always had her to be there.

the best thing in the world was to be able to sit next to my sister on graduation day and walk across the stage together... that memory is cemented in my heart. its something that I treasure all the time

and as we both go on our own path, wherever life takes us i know she will be there . a constant in my life. so I know i truely will never be alone.

and thats a comforting thought.

happy birthday kali... happy birthday to us. I love you more than you will ever know.

so this weekend, me and the boy went out camping with a bunch of his fellow gentlemen, and let me tell you what.. a ... weekend.

so we go out to lilac resort and we get all set up, and what not. the first night we were there it was awesome, good times at te hotubs, water slides, drinking, listening to the boys jam. great night.

Saturday, same thing. it was beautiful and hot and me and Stuart just had a great time, paddle boating and pretending to be pirates as we stole our other friends booze as we all paddle boat in this lovely marsh.

that night was a pretty decent AC/Dc cover band and a wiked huge bonfire...... then all hell broke loose.

As soon as I tried to lay down to get some sleep, the heat stroke took over, and I became so sick that stu had to drive me back to the city because I didnt think I would last another day of it.

so I then crashed at my parents as stu, went back out to enjoy the rest of the day, I proceeded to watch adventureland... and sulk

which I did quite gracefully.

this weekend was eventful... but the good parts were so good, i would trade the bad ones for them ...


truth be told I was lilac'd..... hard.

After another agonizing day at selling automotive parts to old men and grouchy ladies, and coming home and finding myself thinking of the song by sugarland where she quits her 9 to 5 job to live life..... its pretty..... depressing

I mean, literally the thought that goes through my head is.... is this as good as its going to get? is the only thing I'm suitable for, is a dc order desk?

I paid 8 grand for a college education for this?

I mean dont get me wrong, I adore the people I work with, and my boss is the best. and the people I talk to give me a laugh. but seriously, I'm only 22 years old , I have more motivation then that. and the only room to grow with the company is to wait for someone to move out or retire, so pretty much to advance from my present position, I have to wait 15 years for someone to retire. good fun. I had more dreams then this , and I just feel that I will never get something better.

I'm so fustrated and I'm stagnant. which makes me even more fustrated .


urghhh....

today I took my mom out for dinner for her 30th wedding anniversary since my dad was out of town.

and it made me realized how blessed i am that my parents are still together. my parents are in a minority group of people . Over half of all couples that get married end up in divorce, thankfully I was not an offspring of these broken homes

I could never pick one parent over the other, thats impossible both my parents bring such positives to the marriage and family as well as cons, that they are equally important.

my mom is the anchor we all depend on her to keep the family together, to be our finiancial advisor extrodinaire. our mom is the one that you tell your secrets too. and then she proceeds to keep them from my father, in her little vault of a heart

my father, is a giver. he is the one us children depend on if we need a little help with something. 20 bucks here, loaning of the truck there. my father bought us kids used cars for christmas, instead of a brand new one for himself. he is the strongest man i have ever known. and he is selfless.

both my parents have given everything for their family, my dad and mother both worked two jobs each for most of our childhoods. to provide a life for us. we moved 6 times in my 22 years of life, so that we could have a little more money in our pockets. both of my parents are two halves a great team. thats what makes a marriage work

loves important sure, but its the commitment involved. its also the compatibility of those two people, and how they work together. they also need to be best friends, and trust each other. \

thats how a marriage work. trust and constant communication.

my parents are a living example of that. of that struggle.

yup, i thank god every day that I'm not a statistic.

So i have realized something very vital today as I lay in bed sick ,

that I heart Disney movies alot.



I dont think they will ever get old for me or I too old for them.



whenever I hear the first musical , they just instantly make me feel better, instantly my worries are gone.



its a great feeling, no wonder disney makes millions.


So in other news, I was thinking as I laid in bed for most of the afternoon that I have really grown as a person in the last year. (not just width )

in the last year I have been dating the most gorgeous boy in the world, who saves me from going insane from selling automotive parts to old men day after day in a cubicle that makes me slightly want to kill myself.
Since dating him, I have conviently become a squater in his 3 bedroom apartment, with his two other roomies whom I love as well. we have developed a beautiful little community here. where I have been elected the one and only bathroom cleaner. though me and the stu as i like to call him, are planning to find our own place in the spring time. so pretty much I am hibernating here for the winter....booyah.

besides that I have developed several new hobbies (this blogging thing included) I have developed a taste for wine, and have read quite a bit about the pros and cons, ins and outs of that fine industry. (yellow tail pinot grizio is amazing)

I have also developed a love of cooking, which at the moment life is not allowing sufficient time for that lil endeavor though i hope to start that back up again after this weeks camping trip with a vengence.

other than that i include applying for better jobs and worrying about getting laid off in winter due to the slow season up there with my hobbies, you wouldnt believe how much time that takes up . or the space in my brain for that matter.


Pretty much just waiting for october with a fiery passion so I can once again hibernate, save and actually have money. summers really love the visa... *sigh*

if anyone out there is reading... do you have budget saving tips? I would love to hear em.

Well..... I guess this what people are talking about

a blogggggg....

rolls off the tongue well. I dont know how much I will get out of this , as far as creativity goes, maybe its just to keep me sane as I fight to control the anxiety filled life

I'm not amazing, and I dont expect anyone except for my saint of a boyfriend to read it, since hes pretty much the only one who knows that I even enrolled myself in such an activity.... somethings you just keep to yourself. especially if you need to complain .

so thissss is my first . and thats all I have to really say

my weekend was long and family filled, boyfriends brother got married. It was pretty ritzy, probablyt cost alot too.... and I didnt look too shabby in the 120 dollar dress I bought , that has now made me so broke, the only thing I will have for entertainment for the week is Disc 1 of Gilmore girls, and the book the Tao of Pooh. funorama....

I guess thats what they mean by the pains of beauty....


oh well. I think I'll go watch some carol burnett on youtube, for awhile.